Katherine's Hair Memories, Part One

 After begging my mom for a perm, and being told over and over that I didn't need one; but how can that be, everybody had one, she relented. The pull for me was that you could get you hair wet and it would still be straight. Once I had my hair "permed" (I soon learned there was nothing permanent about it), I go home, jump in the shower to shampoo my hair. I look down and there is my hair, swirling around my feet in the tub! Well, I don't have to tell you that was my first and last "perm"; it took years to get my hair back to a healthy state. Once my hair grew back, I still wanted my hair to be straight, so I started relying on the press and curl. No one can tell me they enjoyed sitting for hours getting a hot comb and melting grease applied to your crown. Or getting your ear singed just enough to leave evidence as to how adept your Mother was with the hot comb, and the worst burn of them all-across the forehead, but at least you could hide it with your bangs!

As time went on and I learned more about myself and my hair, I started cutting my hair down to a short Afro, I changed my diet, and stayed as chemical free as possible. My daughter's hated my all natural stance* and I felt as if history were repeating itself. I, like my mother, told my daughters that they didn't need relaxers and them, like I did years before, pleading with me that everyone has one so they too needed a "perm".

Overcoming Stigma

We are all familiar with the stares and queries about our natural hair. Even when I relaxed my hair, the time period between touch-ups would invite comments about my needing to hurry and get my hair fixed. Fixed. Really? I guess I am thankful that I was never comfortable with relaxing my hair, so when I went natural and starting to see my real hair I instantly fell in love.

Other men and women aren't so lucky. They are surrounded by people so removed from their true selves that any deviation from a perceived 'norm' is cause for shame and belittling.

We must keep reminding each other that there is nothing wrong with being ourselves. We must remind each other that what we are being told is normal is not our normal. We must remember what damage we inflict on our hair and scalp when we give into a Euro-centric beauty standard.

So next time you're out and about and see a sister or brother rocking natural style, give them a complement. If a friend comes to you asking about transitioning to natural, give them your support and guidance. If you find that you're close to going back to relaxed hair, remember these thoughts. Why did I want to go natural? What do I dislike about relaxing my hair? Think of the money all the money you've paid out only to get damaged, broken, unhealthy hair.

The Men In Our Lives

In the same advice column I griped about in the previous post, our Newly Natural Sister mentioned how her husband began to ridicule her decision by saying things like her hair looked unkept, socially inappropriate, ugly-just verbal abuse in all forms. The ethnicity of her husband was never identified; but the letter floored me all the same. I can't tell if I would be more angry if the husband is black, another POC or white. Full disclosure: my husband is white. He has never said anything negative about my hair. Before I went natural, he would comment how he liked my hair when it was wet and wondered why I tortured myself by relaxing my hair when it brought me such grief. Since I have gone natural he has been nothing but supportive and loves seeing my hair the way it is supposed to be. In my mind all supportive husbands, regardless of ethnicity, would feel the same way about their wife's hair. Even if we use the ridiculous analogy of going natural to dying your hair or cutting it; a loving supportive husband would accept his wife's choice in hairstyle or hair lifestyle if it made her happy.

Bottom line, her husband is verbally abusing her over hair. I know our hair is very a sensitive subject; but if this sets him off so much so that his wife writes a letter for advice to a website what else is going on? When this woman tells her friends about what her husband tells her, do they overlook the verbal abuse like the advice columnist did? I don't want to sound preachy; but really listen to what your friends share. Verbal abuse is never okay and too often leads to physical violence.

Then I started to think of the deeper implications if her husband is black. If he is black, he couldn't claim ignorance, though this is hardly an excuse for anyone not understanding something about your wife's body. The only explanation is that he has been so extremely brainwashed to see unnatural as natural that he is willing to demean and verbally abuse her, completely overlooking any happiness her transition has brought her. Then I thought to myself, how does he feel about his hair? Unless he is sporting a Rev. Al, isn't his hair also natural? What keeps his hair from being socially inappropriate? Because if the ideal is straight, Eurocentric hairstyles, the Zac Efron is in. If he hates her natural hair so much, does he hate himself or just black women?

So let me ask you, what is the best ways to handle those men (and women) in our lives that have nothing but negative things to say about natural hair? What are the best ways to educate the community about natural haircare and transitioning from relaxed to natural?

A Little Advice on Advice...

There is a popular website out there geared towards young women that features and advice column. On this particular day the advice column featured a letter from a young woman who is transitioning from relaxed to natural and her husband objects to her natural hair to the point of verbally abusing her. This in itself is a problem (and another blog post) but I must continue onto the main issues I had with the column.

The advice columnist's, hit all the Wikipedia talking points of black hair (Chris Rock's Good Hair, more representation is media, social implications, etc.) which boiled down to, you can compromise by flat ironing your hair or getting a straight wig. Now, I am not going to put all of the blame on this columnist. This was obviously subject matter outside her realm of expertise and at least she tried to give the lady some starting points to get the advice seeker's husband to accept or figure out why he doesn't like her natural hair. In my opinion, had the advice columnist asked at least three women of color with natural hairstyles, the focus of her response would have been what is truly fueling the husband's objection to his wife's natural hair. It was never determined what the ethnicity of her husband is which I feel makes the makes our newly natural sister's cry for help even more poignant. At this point it becomes much more than compromise it becomes something hateful no matter what ethnicity her husband is.

So here is my advice on advice, be careful who you pose your questions to. When your car starts making funny noises, you don't ask your doctor if he knows anything about transmissions. We in the natural haircare community have to reach out to each other. For too long we have let the subject of our hair become taboo. We need to have real dialogue about why we have these negative opinions about our hair and what we can do to unravel the myths and stereotypes. We also need to stop harassing each other for feeling one way or another. Education through condemnation and ridicule never works. This lady should have brought her questions to us because we are living her story. Many of us have faced the same ridicule and judgement that she faces. Many women haven't cared for their own natural hair since childhood. If we aren't there to answer their questions, someone less informed may do it for us.